Kickboxing. Burning sage. Single-handedly consuming an entire bottle of Chardonnay or a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.
These are all great, (and perfectly normal!) methods one can deploy when trying to get over an ex. That said, I think there are a lot of advantages to channeling your energy, and your creativity, toward making a voodoo doll. I say, when in doubt, curse. Moreover, since every heartbreak is unique, doesn’t each one deserve a tiny monument to its uniqueness?
Here’s a foolproof, step-by-step guide to making your very own, extra-special, voodoo doll.
Step 1: Gather your materials
- Two sticks, one half the size of the other (8-12 inches long is recommended for the long one)
- Dried plant matter, such as hay or corn husks. (Apparently an authentic voodoo doll requires Spanish moss, which strikes me as more than a bit discriminatory toward significant percentage of the population that don’t live in True Blood country, so I propose a more universal material.)
- Fabric. (Bonus points for your ex’s boxer shorts or a tie. Two bonus points for both.)
- Needle and thread
- Beads, buttons, beans, pills. (Bonus points for black-eyed peas, contraceptive pills, or Xanax.)
- Items that will “style” your doll, such as feathers, additional fabric, or a miniature can of Bud Light. (Optional.)
Step 2: Bind the two sticks together with the string so that they form a cross.
Step 3: Wrap the dried plant matter around the center of the cross to reinforce it. Then wrap it around the rest of the cross. Reinforce with string as necessary.
Step 4: Wind your strips of fabric over the plant matter. Leave a little tuft at the top for hair and at the bottom, if you like. Secure the fabric with glue or a few stitches of thread.
Step 5: Transform the cross into a doll by making a face with the beads, buttons, beans, or pills. Use glue or stitches to attach.
Step 6: Accessorize your doll with feathers, additional fabric, or a wee little hat. (Three bonus points if the accessories are somehow connected with the person you are doll-ifying/voodoo-izing.)
Step 7: Step back, have a shot of tequila, and admire your work.
Step 8: Make a decision about the doll’s fate: Stick it with 13 pins and burn it or set it on a shelf to remind you for the rest of your life of the mistake you’ll never make again.
Easy peasy, and guaranteed to make you feel better!