Like everyone else in our lovely country, I LOVE me a good celebrity bust-up story — so much that I have among my notes lurks spreadsheet (yes, you heard me right, a spreadsheet) that is nothing but former couples, with notes and categories. As of now, this list has only four categories: “oldies but goodies,” “kinda cute,” “huh?”, “if only they’d had babies first,” and “ouchie.” I’m sure as time goes on and I revisit my list I’ll come up with new categories, and maybe you all can suggest some, too.
But now, I’d like to unveil my first list: the “huh?” awards, otherwise known as either “what the fuck was s/he thinking” or “ew” or “that’s just plain weird.” In some cases “that’s just plain weird” really equals = “that’s so logical it scares me.”
Here are my top-five “huh?” pairings:
#5: Andre Agassi and Barbra Streisand.
This makes no sense because they’re nearly 30 years apart in age, but then it makes sense because both would seem like total egomaniacs but are (reportedly) both rather delicate creatures. That said, Agassi said that “Dating Barbra Streisand is like wearing Hot Lava.” Probably better than being called sexual napalm, but still…
#4: January Jones and Ashton Kutcher…and Jim Carrey…and Brandon Davis?
This girl has a history of very puzzling boyfriend choices. Ashton Kutcher I sort of get — they were both young and hot. I get why Carrey would date her but not why she would date him (not that there is anything wrong with him, but isn’t the age difference a bit massive?) And then girl loses ALL credibility by ever letting that oil slick near her lady parts.
#3 Jewel and Sean Penn
Apparently they had an affair back in ’95. Imagining the details is a bit like imagining a tabasco sauce and honey strewn across 500-thread-count sheets.
#2 Naomi Campbell and Prince Albert II
This is a pairing that just cries for an S & M joke. I like to envision her with just stilettos and a whip, and he’s wearing just his crown, crying out for more.
#1 George Clooney and Kelly Preston
Even though we all know Clooney has a taste for women who aren’t exactly intellectual titans, and they hooked up nearly 30 years ago, I find it really hard to imagine him hooking up with a woman who would become (or already was?) a Scientologist.
Kelly Preston makes it into the “huh? honorable mention category, too: she was once engaged to Charlie Sheen and broke it off after he accidentally shot her in the arm with a .22. She married Travolta a year later.)
Other honorable mentions go to: Rick Springfield and Linda Blair, Carrie Fisher and Dan Ackroyd (also engaged!), Diane Lane and Jon Bon Jovi, Daniel Day-Lewis and Julia Roberts (though that probably wasn’t that weird — I’ve heard she’s a huge reader and he probably is, too), Lenny Kravitz and Nicole Kidman (can you spell REBOUND?), Penelope Cruz and Tom Cruise (isn’t she smarter than that?), Angelina Jolie and Val Kilmer, and Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn (she’s a Dem, he’s a Republican…).
Am I forgetting anyone?